It’s that time again, convention season, when political pundits gather together in a glorified Comic-con to see which political party really knows how to party. Above all else, conventions are great way for media types to find easy material, share a few drinks and it even comes with a free meal.
As the DNC gathers in the City of Brotherly of Love, we put together some of the highlights for those who can’t watch the event due to work, school, catching Pokemon or washing the dishes.
Let us begin:
The convention started off with a prayer. As expected, Democrats in the crowd were very much into it, as they shouted and danced in refrains of praising God. Slogans such as: “Bernie! Bernie!” were heard as attendees danced and some even offered the ultimate sign of humility toward the Almighty by booing the prayer defiantly. This demonstration of gratitude and respect was in stark contrast to the RNC opening prayer, in which a black Mormon kid just bowed his head and spoke while everyone else sat there quietly, eyes closed and tears flowing. See a video of the prayers side by side:
In another major shake up at the DNC, Debbie Whatshername Schultz, the now-former DNC Chairwoman, was replaced by Brandon Davis who was then replaced by Donna Brazile. DNC officials are not sure on whether or not they plan on keeping Brazile for the remainder of the convention but noted that they’ll keep a few pundits in the bullpen for safe measure. Fortunately for Debbie, she was hired by Clinton’s campaign before the ink on her resignation was dry.
Whatshername Schultz’s resignation comes at the heels of a massive leak containing thousands of DNC emails, which show a racist attitude coming from the leaders of the Democrat party. The emails also showed direct DNC involvement in sending interns to RNC protests, making illegal money transfers to fund campaigns, allowing donors convicted of fraud, calling women bimbos, colluding with media to create false talking points about Trump and ignoring factual studies to complete talking points on immigration. (Stay tuned, the hits keep coming)
Above all else, the Wikileak documents revealed that the party leaders knowingly did everything they could to assure that Hillary Clinton would secure the election. #RedistributionOfDemocracy.
In response to this news, Bernie Sanders decided to boldly represent his supporters in their fight to end government corruption by kneeling before and endorsing Hillary Clinton. As scores of disenfranchised socialists arrived to protest in wake of the wikileaks scandal, the DNC took a page from Donald Trump’s playbook, building an 8 ft. high 4-mile barrier surrounding the convention. This ‘Bernie barrier’ has become symbolic of the Democratic Party and it’s attitude of inclusiveness: “We are inclusive in diversity as long as you think and feel and dress and speak and vote the way we want you to. All others need not apply.”
(Note: DNC officials have repeatedly stated that the edifice is indeed a fence and not a wall because walls are racist.)
Of course, the speaker who stole the show was none other than His Excellency, Bill Clinton, who gave an inspiring monologue of Hillary’s achievements. Indeed, Clinton argued for getting a woman
under into the Oval Office desk as only he can.
That’s not to say that everyone liked it, our friends at Vox described how a part of his speech ‘irked’ them when discussing race and police. Rachel Maddow, lesbian and Marxist in training, took note of Bill’s opening line, in which he referred to Hillary as a “girl.” She called it “shocking and weird.” For those who don’t speak lesbian, this is the term Maddow uses to replace “misogynist and hateful” when the speaker is liberal and not conservative. Even a few Muslims took issue with Clinton’s alleged suggestion that Muslim Americans must prove that they love America. Too bad Bill, I guess you can’t please em all. Maybe people would prefer some of your earlier speeches from the nineties, then you might at least win some Trump supporters.